Hello Kitty & Host Bars: One Night In Tokyo

My last night in Japan was one of the most bizarre nights ever.

Kathy, one of Rosie's friends, had been too hungover to go to work
that day (sorry, I mean she had 'a fever' after a night in Ropongi),
and had been showing me around all day, taking in the delights of
Harajuku (complete with crazily haired teenagers in platform shoes and
grown women dressed as Little Bow Peep - WFT?!) and Shibuya, full of
trendy boutique shops, cafe culture and 'too cool for school' types
dressed in the latest funky clobber.

At dusk, we headed to Shinguku, which seems to be the centre of the
Japanese madness - on the West side is the huge posh business
district, and on the East side, the capital of sleaze, complete with
neon lights, love hotels, hostess bars, prostitutes and all manner of
debauchery. My friends had been trying to tell me it's "not that
sleazy"... men go there to "get things done that they don't want to
make their girlfriends do"... Personally I'm not sure how that makes
it not that sleazy, but this is the Japanese argument!

We checked out Tokyo at dusk from the observation tower in the famous
Government Metropolitan building before heading down a mysterious
looking alleyway for food, beers and sake. That stuff is strong man, I
could feel it flowing through my veins! After showing my bra to some
curious Japanese women (it's not as bad as it sounds) we wandered the
streets of Tokyo, going into random shops where you can buy the most
unbelievable tat I've ever seen. You can pick up anything from giant
banana cushions and tiny nurse's outfits to hello kitty vibrators and
even nose pluckers (gross) if you feel so inclined. You can pimp out
your mobile phone with real diamonds, and you can accessorise
everything from your hair to your car (my favourite is a seat cover
that makes it look like Mickey Mouse is sitting next to you).

Next, we played on drum machines (I was rubbish) and messed around in
the photo booths. In these, you follow instructions on positions and
dance erratically to plinky plonky Japanese music, then decorate your
pics with lurid colours and crazy symbols. By this point I was almost
hysterical with laughter, had lost my Tokyo guide book in all the
excitement and was fully into the swing of the uniquely Japanese
delights of the city's nightlife.

Just when I thought the night couldn't get any crazier, we started
walking in the red light district proper, passing amusing posters of
men and women posing, and every type of love hotel you could imagine
(burlesque fetish anyone?). Before I knew what was happening, Kathy
was suggesting we go to a host bar - something she hadn't been brave
enough to do in three years of living in Japan...

So, after some negotiation, off we went with a small Japanese chap,
down some stairs into the darkness...We were greeted by a whole load
of men in a glitzy room complete with white sofas, glass tables, gold
bars and an endless supply of some kind of local green cocktail. For
those who have not experienced the pleasures of the host bar, the idea
is this: you go and sit at a table, while a selection of men comes and
visits you, pours you drinks and entertains you with scintillating
conversations and flattery. They each give you their card and rotate
around different tables, and at the end of your allocated time you are
free to "pick a man and go upstairs with him...". Obviously I am
dedicated to my boyfriend, so I was just tagging along in the interest
of research (and some very good value entertainment).

As we sat there with Kathy jabbering away in Japanese, the guys tried
to speak English to me. The first offering was (and I quote), "Sexy,
lovely, beautiful. I want you, I need you, I love you!" said in a very
dramatic tone with suitable (or unsuitable?!) accompanying actions.
After their basic English was exhausted, I busied myself with asking
rude questions via Kathy, on such topics as sexual positions. This led
to some highly amusing mimes and a lot of laughter. In summary, I'm
glad I wasn't depending on this event to find the love of my life
(already having him back in the UK!) but the two hour period was
hilarious. Needless to say, Kathy didn't make it to work the next day
either!

Nose-shitting & Other Japanese Oddities

Japan is a very bizarre but fantastic place. At once Western yet
distinctly Asian, it and its people are full of quirks. Here's a quick
snapshot of some of its oddities: -

Attitude to photo taking: people often make jokes about Japanese
tourists, but I swear they are actually worse in Japan itself. On my
first full day in the country, I was at Nagoya Castle, trying to look
at the exhibits in the museum. I say trying, because every time I went
to look at something, this Japanese couple stood in front of it to
take a photo of the woman, then the man. No matter how hard I tried,
they were everywhere I turned, leaping out from behind corners, posing
next to swords and grinning inanely at me. They didn't seem to
actually look at anything themselves, just take pictures.

In Kyoto, I was laying on the fake grass and fake earth (weird or
what?!) outside the Manga Museum, when my friend Ross bleeped me on
the walkie talkie he and Warren had bought (this gadget business is
evidently catching). He said "There's a man right behind you, he keeps
taking photos". I thought he was taking the mick, so didn't want to
give him the satisfaction of looking round for about five minutes. But
when I eventually looked, there actually was a man there, taking pics
of my fat ass as I lay there. I wonder what he planned to do with them
- you know what they say about Japanese men...

Obsessions: along with the aforementioned photo taking, many Japanese
people are in love with with Pachinko. This is a game played in huge
halls with neon blazing, involving loads of metal balls which make the
most enormous racket. So far, no one I've asked has successfully been
able to explain the rules. Other crazes include bizarre fashion - such
as wearing long socks with massive platform heels (and this is
including the men as far as I can tell) - mobile phone decorations,
love hotels, hello kitty, cars, technology, tea, Western people, over
packaging everything, remote controlled toilets (bum shower and
blowdry anyone?), vending machines (these sell all sorts of objects,
from pin-on badges and cigarettes to hot and cold coffee) and any kind
of accessory you could want to buy for anything, anywhere.

Bow offs: someone told me about this the other day, and I had to put
it to the test myself. If you go into a shop and you bow, the
shopkeeper must bow lower than you. If you bow again, lower, they must
once again bow lower - and so on. This can go on for some time, with
amusing and sometimes dizzying results.

Cultural/language oddities: - if you say 'HI!' it means yes, which can
be a little confusing given Brits often say it when meeting someone -
you can find yourself accidentally agreeing to something you
definitely don't want to do... You have to watch out when you're
drinking - "chin chin" means "penis penis". It's very rude to blow
your nose - not so affectionately known as taking a nose shit. There
are many fine examples of Engrish... and Japanese people are so nice,
polite and worrying about every little detail that it can be somewhat
unnerving. You just want to tell them to relax and take a chill pill.

Size: everything is either very big or very small - including the
people. On arriving, I did feel like a heffer. I mean, I know I'm no
sumo wrestler, but, once again in Asia, I felt like a bit of an oddity
and an amusement - especially when dancing next to the most
unbelievably skinny young ladies. But it's all good - I know that no
matter how much sushi I eat, I'll still be a good foot taller than
most of them!

Land of the Rising Sun

Just over a week ago, I set off from Heathrow Airport bound for adventure again. Stopping off in Dubai, I whiled away some hours people watching, chuckling at the man who got on the travellator the wrong way and so on. Best not to try that one unless you want to do an amusing little dance and collapse on top of your luggage. After what seemed like an age, I arrived at Nagoya Airport to be met by my friend Rosie and her American boyfriend Brian. We drove straight out to their local sushi restaurant, where we scoffed our faces with the best sushi I've ever had - tuna, salmon, eels, crab soup, yum. UK alternatives are never gonna live up to it.

  

So far, I've sampled sushi, udon, ramen, soba, tempura and a host of other Japanese delights (though steering clear of the blowfish - the one that can kill you if you eat the wrong bit). I've marvelled at the weird and wacky food on offer in the supermarkets, from whale meat - unfortunately they really do hunt and eat it here - octopus legs and a host of unidentifiable but alarmingly coloured substances to the most expensive fruit I've ever seen. Still no square melons, sadly. I've tasted bizarre marbled beef (we think) from a cow that's had a special massage to make it extra fatty... though someone later suggested to me maybe it had been kept in a small cage and not allowed to move. I much prefer the romantic idea of cows being pampered, getting manicures, watching daytime TV and enjoying the good life.  Rosie and Brian have taken me to a crazy local venue down a long and dark alleyway, frequented by actors and the airline industry, where the owner collected phallus shaped objects.

 

I've travelled alone on the speedy shinkansen to Kyoto, and had an impromptu night out with some random but lovely English guys I met in possibly the most bizarre hostel I've ever stayed in - ramshackle and perhaps insane are two ways to describe it. We went to 80s night at Metro, a club where you enter through the station and it's all kitted out like a subway. There was an enthusiastic MC in an Elvis wig and lots of Japanese dancing badly, excellent fun. I've visited historic temples, rock gardens and shrines, got on wrong buses in the city, looked unsuccessfully for geisha, fantasised about being as skinny as a Japanese person, slept in a traditional ryokan on a futon and gawped at a massive fat golden guy (a revered 16m statue of Buddha in Nara, the country's first capital). I've laughed at a show featuring the 'golden bat' in the International Manga Museum, had discussions on superhero qualities and got frustrated when my camera battery ran out visiting some amazing sites - I was left with a picture of me and a deer rather than the incredible things I had gone to see!

 

I've also pondered about the Japanese... Laying awake in the middle of the night, I thought I was experiencing an earthquake as my top bunk in the dorm started shaking. I looked on the lower bunk and the Japanese girl I was sharing with was juddering and gyrating on the bed and pumping her arm up and down. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but I have to say it was extremely odd. On the train to Nara, I wondered about the intentions of the chubby Japanese man next to me, who seemed to be sliding his hand under me and wriggling his podgy fingers - unfortunately I was sitting by a window and couldn't make myself any smaller. But generally, the people have been nice, helpful and super-polite.

 

Yesterday Rosie and Brian took me out of Nagoya to Tsumago and Magome, two towns in the country. We sampled saki and other delights, and went swimming in the cold and refreshing river - awesome. Rosie of course is dotty anyway, so it makes sense that I am visiting her in Japan, a country that so far seems to be full of weird and wonderful things to see and experience. I'm off to get myself into a zen-like state before heading to Tokyo this evening...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Way To Beat Post-Travel Blues...

Is to book another trip...

Firstly, let me just say it was a fantastic and surreal experience arriving back in the UK. I had a window seat as I flew over London, and my mind positively boggled at the sheer scale and the modernity of everything - cars, bridges, railways and dozens of people going about their daily lives. Getting off the plane and meeting Andrew was the best, it was like I had never been apart from him. And of course there was the sheer delight of seeing my family and friends, and having access to such luxuries as hot showers (yes!), non-stinky toilets (even better!) and unlimited supplies of tasty food that did not involve rice, curry or jackfruit.

When I arrived back I was the thinnest and brownest I'd been in a long time, though suffering from Tibetan donkey flu (a rather alarming sounding cough). It was lovely being home, but I was definitely hit by a large dose of culture shock. Many things seemed so trivial, and the sheer excess of people's lives really got to me - I felt confused about where I fitted in and where to go next. After being in Nepal and Tibet, where people have so little and where I had such fabulous experiences, there was a lot to think about. While I was happy to be back, the post-travel blues did get me for a bit, and I wasn't quite ready to settle down. And of course, everyone told me the best way to deal with those blues is to go off again...

I've now put all the weight back on (thanks in part to Mum's cooking) and am almost back to my normal colour, so a week today it will be time to jet off again! I decided that before I get ensconced in a new job, I'd do a quick 'Friendship Tour' to visit various mates around the globe. First stop Japan, the land of kimonos, Samurai, geisha, sushi (yum) and my crazy friend Rosie. Wish me luck!